blah blah blog....

It has come to our attention that many of our fans have been so impressed (obsessed?) with our blog, that they are talking about starting one of their own. Well take it from us, it's not as galmorous as it looks. I mean, we sit here day after day chatting over AIM about what to write about when we SHOULD be doing work. We have posted 22 blogs so far, and to be honest... we are running out of ideas here. And sometimes it hurts our heads to think too hard. Not to mention the fact that we are getting pretty sick of each other.

So to help all of you guys stay away from the seedy underbelly of the blogging world (have you ever had to help Perez Hilton back into his clothes after a night of naked partying? Trust us, it ain't pretty) we decided to post this WikiHow. Please read and remember: Say no to blogs.

How to Dissuade Yourself from Becoming a Blogger

Steps:
1.) Find five completely random blogs, and read them daily for a month. After thirty days, you will absolutely dread your self-imposed requirement to read all that dreck. Any blog you create will most likely be on par with what you've been reading. Don't put anyone through that.

2.) Consider that your voice, even if it is truly a good one, is a tiny peep against the massive wave of tripe out there. The odds of anyone you don't already know finding your blog are low.

3.) Write on a regular basis in a text editor instead. If that doesn't satisfy your urge, and you feel that you must post your blog online, then you might just be craving attention and validation--which you'll never truly find in a blog. If you give up on your Wordpad journal after about three days, you'll do the same with a blog that just takes up server space.

4.) Ask yourself if you really have the time to commit to a blog. What about that treehouse you wanted to build? Or the book you wanted to write? Or the car you wanted to fix up? Or the restaurant you wanted to take your significant other to? Or the new career you wanted to pursue? Instead of writing about pretty much nothing, or whining about all the things you wish you were doing instead, start doing something that'd actually be worth writing about. And if it's really worth writing about, you'll be having too much fun doing it to tear yourself away from it.

Tips:
- Rest easy in the knowledge that it's perfectly okay and respectable to not have a blog at all. Not everyone is cut out to write things that are readable by everyone. The last thing you want to do is contribute more dreck to the universe.

- If attention and validation are what you're looking for, know that you will get neither from blogging. As above, very few people will ever know that your blog (or you, by proxy) exists. The remainder of comments posted to your blog will be sappy treacle, which you won't trust as being sincere anyway.

Warnings:
The information you post on the Internet is likely to linger for years and years to come, as web pages are archived by "snapshot" services like the Wayback Machine. Once it's out there, you can't take it back. An employer running a Google search on your name years down the line might be turned off by your now documented obsession with your cat.

And the award goes to....

I think we are all a little saddend that Norbit didn't win best picture. But lets try to move on from this. What we can talk about is how amazing (long) and exciting (boring) the awards show was. And we wouldn't be a culture blog if we didn't discuss the Oscar's the day after they aired. Here are some of our favorite Oscar Moments!

I Demand A Recount Moment: Tilda Swinton wins Best Supporting Actress over Cate Blanchett
Ok, not many people saw I'm Not There - which had a bunch of different actors playing Bob Dylan. She is a sexy lady who transformed herself into a scrawny man- without the help of the makeup geniuses behind Norbit! I'm pretty sure that qualifies her as deserving a golden staute of a naked bald man. Am I right??

Cutest Moment: Jon Stewart brings back the girl who wrote Best Song to give her thanks.
She won an award people! Don't turn the music on her. She co wrote a song with out the help of Alan Mankim or that guy who wrote all the Toy Story songs, give the chick some credit. And thank you Jon Stewart for recongnizing that and being so adorably Jewish.

Sexiest Acceptance speech: Javier Bardem is muy calente!
Ok, he is sexy anyway with his accent and European appeal, and when he started speaking Spanish.. it was all over! Hollywood has a new heartthrob. Move over Brad Pitt. And this guy actually has talent! What a concept! Oh yeah- and this Marion Cartillard ain't too hard on the eyes, either. Being hot and European is like the new black.

Best Red Carpet Moments:
1.) Gary Busey is fucking nuts. And we love it.
Gary comes up and kisses Jennifer Garner on the neck, Ryan Secrest doesn't know what to do and Laura Linney tries to get them all outta there! And I liked Jen before but I love her now! She played it off like a champ.
When Busey Attacks!

2.) Michael Moore acts like.... Michael Moore
When Roeper told Michael Moore to say hi to the International audience, he replied: "Hi International audience. We're sorry." He only had 3 seconds of air time and he STILL managed to say something contreversial! Kudos to you, Mikey.

3.) Regis Philbin refers to nominee Javier Bardem as "Xavier."
Do you wanna tell him, or should I?

Really? Moment: Why is Miley Cyris so famous...
I mean H. Duff is 'Lizzie McGuire' and even at her Disney peek she didn't present at the Oscars... will someone fill me in on why she is so famous, her dad wrote and performed 'Achy Breaky Heart' eveyone remembers that mullet right...?

Get over it moment: Reporters wait on the red carpet for Johnny Depp to make his appearance. You know, for an elusive, non-Hollyood actor, he is pretty over-exposed. Sure he is a good actor. Um, yeah I said it. I called him "good." Not "great," not "brilliant," not "sooo dreamy!!!" Note to Hollywood: NEXT!

Why were you there? Moment: Wesley Snipes
Doesn't he owe the IRS like a lot of money? And was he wearing a purple suit? Wasn't his roll as Willy Mayes Hayes stellar in "Major League"! Oh crap, is Blade 4: The Final Countdown coming out soon? Lord knows we don't need more movies about vampires... on that note, Anne Rice is set to write another Vampire book, I hope Brad Pitt makes out with an 11 year old again...

WTF moment: Norbit?
Enough said.

The What the fuck are you wearing?? moment: Tilda Swinton in a balck... thing...?
Best Actress winner Tilda Swinton apparently took a page out of the Scarlett O'Hara book and made her dress out of a black velvet curtain. Unfortunately there was only enough material to make one sleeve. But hey- when you've got a left arm like that, you just gotta show it off!

Most Confused Watcher: Megan!
Since she hasn't seen either movie she thinks "There will be blood" and "No country for old Men" are the same movie....

Oscar Picks, what what!

The big day is upon us! The most important and exciting day in Hollywood! The day we finally get to find the answer to what we have all been speculating about for weeks! “Who are you wearing???”

Yeah, that’s right folks. Sunday is Oscar night. Holla! And I am officially proclaiming it Daniel Day-Lewis Day. So I would appreciate it if you would please refer to it as such. I just think it’s more fun to say than The 80th Annual Academy Awar-----blah blah blah! Boring, right?

So today, to join in on the excitement, we thought we would share with you our picks for the big night.

Best Actor
Barb’s pick: Um, don’t you remember what day it is?? It’s Daniel Day-Lewis Day so I think it’s only right if he wins. Sure Johnny, Viggo, and George are all “heartthrobs” or whatever, but I bet you Day-Lewis could kick all their asses with one hand tied behind his back! I mean, he could kick their asses in an acting contest, that is.

Meg’s pick: I fear if I don’t pick Daniel Day-Lewis Barb will hurt me so I am going to go with…
What (time) day is it!?
Tool Time! Daniel Day-Lewis DAY

Best Actress
Barb’s pick: Now this is a hard one, considering Juno is pretty much the only movie in the category that has been seen by more than 10 people. Away From Her? The Savages? La For Mome?? Elizabeth II: How The Queen Got Her Groove Back??? I’m gonna have to go with Ellen Page on this one. By default only.

Meg’s pick: Ellen Page… doy. She makes teen pregnancy cool! So cool in fact Jamie-Lynn Spears got pregnant! If that isn’t a winning performance I don’t know what is!


Achievement in Sound Editing
Barb's Pick: I'm going to go out on a limb here. I think the dark horse for this category is definitely The Bourne Ultimatum. I don't know about you, but while I watched this film all I could think was "Wow! This movie has spectacular achievement in sound editing!" I really hope that Karen Baker Landers and Per Halberg get their much deserved props for this film. Um... not! Who cares??? Do they really have to televise this category?? Come on! The ceremony is like 5 hours long!!! If they cut it down to the categories people actually care about, it would be about 20 minutes long. And that's pretty much all I can handle. So how about they take all the nominees for achievement in EDITING and have them work on editing this list of categories. Kay, thanks.

Meg’s Pick: Such a toss up!! Sure Ultimatum, Country, Blood & Transforms were loud we get that. There were fights with old men in blood who were Bourne to transform but I mean really, what did they have to edit. All they had to do was make crashing sounds and fighting noises which I am pretty sure they took straight from Mortal Kombat… seriously if you play the movies backwards in slow motion it says, “These sounds were taken from Mortal Kombat”. Fact. Wait, where was I going with this?? Oh right sound editing… Cooking rats really get me going so my pick is Ratatouille.

Best Picture
Barb's pick: A lot of critics have said this is just a race between There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men. Bor-ing! I would like to voice my displeasure with the Academy for overlooking 2007’s truly greatest movie: Norbit. Any film that can take a skinny man and turn him into a fat woman surely has to be the best film of the year!! Maybe you didn’t hear me Academy, it took a SKINNY MAN and made him into a FAT WOMAN! It’s truly a movie you can lose yourself in. A real cinematic experience and it deserves to be recognized.

Meg’s pick: I agree with Barb on this one. It was on my flight home from Beijing and seeing on that little screen truly shows it’s comedic genius! It was so good that I feel asleep, which if you have ever flow coach on an international flight is nearly impossible. Eddie Murphy in a fat suit, will it ever get old? No, never!

Songs you forgot you loved.

Radio. It’s amazing. It’s a glimmer into the past. On most days commuting one can hear today’s fresh hits but also yesterdays gems. And we mean gems! Songs so amazing you forgot that you loved them. As a daily commuter (This is Megan talking, I drive an hour to work and an hour and a half home. I know every bay area station, their demographic and when I can expect to hear songs vs. talk vs. contests vs. commercials, what can I say… it’s a skill). Each and everyday I come across a song and think “OMG! I love this song” I turn it up. I jam, I sing, people stare, I get self conscious, I try to look like I wasn’t singing and then when the coast is clear I sing again. The song eventually ends but the smile on my face lasts a few miles longer. And than it’s gone. The feeling of the past, of the memory from that high school prom when that guy you had a crush on asked you to dance and you bought the single of that song just to memorize every word as to remember every moment. Music has that effect on people, and as you can guess it has that effect on me and Barb.

So here it is folks…

Top Ten Songs You Forgot You LOVED!

10. Shoop by Salt ‘N Peppa – How come whenever this song comes on everyone on planet earth knows every single line. Is it just us or when someone calls “Shotgun” do you automatically go into “Bang, what’s up with that thang. I wanna know how does it hang. Straight up, wait up, hold up Mr. Lovah…”

9. Motown Philly by Boyz II Men – Stephanie Tanner was once in an intense dance group, however it was so intense that she missed Aunt Becky’s baby shower (gasp) and when push came to shove she just couldn’t handle it and wanted to be a kid again. But in her final dance show she grooved to ‘Motown Philly’ and it was magic! And please any guy group that wears matching sweater vests, page boy hats and a chain using baritone is fine by us.

8. Informer (I Licky Boom Boom Boom Down) by Snow: First of all, we all know that the sign of a good song is if the title contains perentheses. That lets everyone know that this is not your average song. No-- there is more to it than that. Something--- parenthetical. Informer (I Licky Boom Boom Down) is definitely no exception. On the surface it seems like just another one of those fun party songs that no one can understand the lyrics to, but it's so much fun to sing with your friends what you THINK the lyrics are. But deep down this is actually a protest song about political imprisonment... or something. Take the lyrics: "You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame, A licky boom-boom down." Um... yeah....

7. This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan: This one is great because Montell tells you which song it is with the very first line! It's like he is making an announcement: "Attention all party-goers. Let's Kick it." This one is much easier to sing along with than #8, making it one notch better. Somehow it makes us all feel like we too are no longer little G's, but we are Big G's who can "do it" with the best of them.

6. Two Princes by The Spin Doctors: The Spin Doctors deserve some recognition for being one of those rare "Two Hit Wonder" bands. Where does a band like this fit in on the musical spectrum? More popular than that chick who sang 'Hey Mickey', but not quite a Hootie and the Blowfish. So each time this song comes on the radio we sing along and ask ourselves, "Whatever happened to them?" A band that is brilliant enough to rhyme the word maybe with the word baby has to still be around! The answer is they haven't done much. But they DID release a Best Of cd in 2000 entitled Just Go Ahead Now: A Retrospective. And that's not a joke. They actually did.

Tune in next week when we reveal songs 5 – 1 because we believe you are dying to know…

Our biggest fan...

It’s becoming apparent that we have fans (or fan) and we would like to show our appreciation! We are nothing without our fan, we are just two gals blabbing about nothing. With our fan we have a purpose. It is will great pride and excitement that we congratulate our Featured Reader of the Week!

Erin Ann Walsh!

Erin comes to us from Concord, CA. She currently resides in Pleasant Hill with our friend and yours Kelly. Erin was first brought into this world by Don and Laurie Walsh on a perfectly sunny day in October 1983. She is the second of three daughters and the apple of her parent’s eye. Erin attended Sun Terrace Elementary where she met Barb and became great friends. But it wasn't always that way. Erin and Barbara started out as bitter rivals on the tether ball court. Most of this stemmed from the atomicity that had been building up ever since Barbara started hanging out with Erin's BFF, Rachael. But the two of them held in their aggression until recess- and then it was all out war.

But Erin and Barbara soon found out that they had too much in common to be enemies. They shared a love for Full House, Sweet Valley High, and playing hang up games on the phone after school. Erin and Barb matured and soon developed a love they could no longer deny. A love for Liam and Noel Gallagher of Oasis. The two of them spent many a sleepover talking about how they would someday meet and marry these modern day Beatles. Alas, it never happened. But word on the street is that Erin is still holding onto the hope that Noel will someday fall in love with her.

Erin enrolled in Chico State as freshmen and lived her first year in Whitney Hall. Megan also lived in Whitney Hall however they didn’t become NBF’s (new best friends) until the following year when Erin started dating some guy we don’t remember his name. Megan and Erin first hung out at the New Found Glory concert at the Brickworks in Chico. Erin crowded surfed, Megan thought she was crazy. It was then that they started watching Jeopardy on the daily. They enjoyed game nights with friends and quoting movies. Erin graduated Chico state with a degree in Business Administration emphasis in Human Resources. Megan cheered from the stands because she graduated college in four years. After a crazy graduation weekend Erin was homebound to search for a job, which would later put her in San Francisco working in her favorite field, Law. Did we mention Megan graduated college in four years?

Once Erin moved back to her beloved Bay Area her, Megan & Barb developed a friendship based on booze and late night eating. It's a bond that will not break (unless tether ball is being played).

Let us all say congrats to Erin for taking time out of her day to procrastinate and read our blog. We salute you!

Missing Persons...

Barb is not on aim. She hasn’t sent me an email today and I think she has been kidnapped (adultnapped?) I got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and since we have been blogging together for a few weeks I think we know each others thoughts. Kind of like twins but without the whole being born at the same time.

So I am putting out an APB

Barb was last seen wearing black leggings and a bright colored dress with flats (or kitten heels). She is about 5 foot 4 inches tall (??) has newly highlighted brown hair and the cutest bangs (she is so now!). She is known for her dancing ability and messing up my game of Guitar Hero by shaking it in front of the TV.

If you find her please IM/email me.

Thank you,
Megan

Every Office Has One

The Stomper
The Stomper, also known as The Loud Walker, likes to announce their presence at all times with very heavy footsteps. This person is usually a "late bird" making it more annoying for everyone else in the office since they have to hear the person's arrival every day. The Stomper's annoying loudness is usually not limited to their footsteps. They have been known to do the following things very loudly:

-set down their purse
-throw their keys on their desk
-exhale
-hang up the phone


The Joker
This guy thinks of himself as the Office Cut-up. He has a sarcastic remark ready for any situation. But these remarks are usually just recycled catch phrases that don't actually qualify as "jokes."
Example:
You: "I haven't finished those TPS reports yet, but they will be done after lunch."
The Joker: "You are the weakest link! Goodbye!"

Ha ha? What does that even mean??


The Loud Talker
This person seems to think that their conversations are so interesting that everyone in the office wants to be a part of them. Wrong! The Loud Talker likes to make personal phone calls at work and makes damn sure we all know what's going on with them, their sister, their baby daddy... etc. A very annoying trait of the Loud Talker is that they tend to get off their personal call and proceed to walk around to each cubicle re-telling what we all just heard. Over and over. Loud Talkers are quite often Stompers, as well.


Miss Perky
Miss Perky seems to have had 8 cups of coffee before she even gets to work. One of her favorite things to say is "Happy (day of the week)!" This is really only acceptable if someone is saying "Happy Friday" - and even then it's somewhat irritating. So when Miss Perky walks in on an obismal Monday morning and has the nerve to say "Happy Monday!!" it's enough to make any sane person stab a pen in their own eye. You may get the urge to trip her while she walks to the printer, but chances are she will be just as perky when she gets up.


The Hipster
Usaully in their early to mid 20s, the Hipster spends every weeknight going to a differnt bar or club to see the next cool band that is in fact so cool that no one will ever hear of them. Except the Hipster. This is followed by a day full of complaining to the rest of the office about their hangover and/or ringing ears. The Hipster is very fond of name dropping. This lets you know that they heard of the band/singer/acoustic guitar crooner before you did. For some reason this is very important for the Hipster. A great way to throw them off is to act like you have heard of the band/singer/acoustic guitar crooner also. You can actually see the moment that their heart breaks.



So fellow readers which one are you??



FYI

Megan: The Office Bitch - Talks shit whenever she can.

Barb: The Office Bitch - Points out everyones faults except her own.

I Choo Choo Choose you <3

Happy Valentines Day! What a great day, it’s the only time of year you can tell people that you love and appreciate them. Any other day, say June 2 or November 15 would be ridiculous. You can only confess your love on February 14. And thank goodness that is today. However while walking trough the card aisle at my local drugstore/gift shop/internet e-card site I noticed there was something amiss. Hallmark invented a holiday yet did not think of everyone that might need to say I love you today. For those of you out there we are terribly sorry Hallmark (“society”) forgot about you… never fear Barb and I (*“the puppy”) would never leave you out!

Front: Happy Valentines Day
Inside: I love you more today than when I picked you out of a catalogue. (This is good for the mail order bride in the family or the blow up doll.)

Front: Happy VDay…
Thank you for not giving me VD or for that matter Sorry I gave you VD. Both very valid especially for Valentines Day, this is about love people.

Front: I love you so much
Inside: That I slept with your brother/sister/ both? Not sure which way you swing so we like to leave it open for the gays/straights/bi’s and kinky.

For the Boss:
Happy Valentines Day
Thanks for the shag (and the promotion).

Or...

For the Professor:
Front: Happy Valentines Day Teach!
Inside: Thanks for the shag (and the A+)

For the neighbor:
Front: Happy Valentines Day to a great neighbor
Inside: Who is that hot guy that comes over every Thursday when you husband is at work?

For the Frienemy:
Front: Happy Valentines Day Girl!
Inside: I'm sorry I told everyone what a skank you were for sleeping with my boyfriend right before sleeping with your boyfriend. Love/Hate You Always

So don't forget that special (or not so special) person in your life. Take these sentiments and spread them around like edible body paint! We love you all.

XOXOXO Barb & Megs

*If you understand this pop culture reference Megan is truly in love with you.

Point/Counterpoint

Oh snap! Ashley can’t stand Mary-Kate! Well at least that is what msnbc is reporting. According to a “source” they are going through a rough patch. Not sure what ‘going through a rough patch’ means since these are sisters. I have a sister and we don’t go through patches, we tell each other off and then head to the mall to bitch about the fact that we hate shopping because Romero’s aren’t skinny people. According to this source “Mary-Kate is tough to be around – even for a sister”. So when two things are feuding what is the only thing left to do…

Point/Counterpoint!

I am going to take Ashley because she is the goody-goody who hasn’t been to rehab which is exactly the type of person I am naturally and since Barb has been to rehab for her addictions it would be best to take Mary-Kate, I mean right?

Question: Who is better Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen?

Point:
Duh! Ashley is way better. She hasn’t been to rehab, although it is the thing for every starlet to do she shows how cool and hip she is by not going. Such a non conformist! And as an actress Ashley’s talents clearly outweigh (literally, zing!) that of her sisters. When she was forced into the industry at 8 months old I think we all saw that twinkle in her eye as she sat in a playpen chewing her foot. When she was old enough to talk and said “You got it dude!” I really got it! And lets not forget episode 416 of ‘Full House’. An award winning performance like that comes from Ashley Olsen not Mary-Kate.


Counterpoint:
Ok, so apparently MK is being a total celebutant diva. It's about time! I was soooo sick of hearing about how "sweet" and/or "down-to-earth" these two were. At least one of them is finally acting the way we all wanted her to in the first place. Ordering people around, making out with any/everyone, being a total snatch to her sis. I mean, they have like a trillion dollars in the bank and they've still got their whole lives ahead of them to ruin. What are they waiting for? Are we headed for a Britney style train wreck? One can only hope.


Rebuttal:
Really, you are going with that. MK is better because she heading down the Brit Brit track? Strong case there Barb, strong as Mary Kate resisting an all you can eat buffet... wait that is pretty strong. Strong as (enter something not strong).

Rebuttal Rebuttal: "Woah baby!" Enough said.

This wraps up another installment of Point/Counterpoint. Pretty sure this teaches us nothing on who is a better Olsen, ‘til next time!

You smell me...

The other day "Ellen" had on a smell expert. The number one scent that "turns men on".... cheese pizza. Interesting. Not that food turns men on but it turns me (Meg, not sure how Barb feels on the subject) on too. What are other scents that turn men and woman on? Since being single on Valentines Day is inevitable why not perk up our chances at a date for Thursday, or hell even a one night stand.

Well first and foremost, cheese pizza. Obvious reasons really, cheese, fat, dairy all things that scream sexy.

Vanilla – Supposedly it makes woman go weak in the knees. It makes me (Meg, again!) think of cake, which I guess makes me go weak in the knees so hook, line and sinker!

Peppermint – According to askmen.com this scent may “encourage your girl to try something new in the bedroom”. Dear Men, A scent will not make me try something new, diamonds and/or the promise of liposuction however might work.

Ylang Ylang – First off I have never heard of this and I have no idea how to pronounce it (soft ‘y’?) but it warns men that this scent may encourage verbal communication. Oh shit, you have to talk to me…. Ahhhh! Run.

Roasting Meat – Like a barbeque? Is it any kind of meat? Do you need to add a dry rub, or more of a sauce? What if I don’t cook, can I get this in a spray?



And it's not just smells that can improve your chances at love. There are plenty of foods out there just sitting at the supermarket waiting to get you laid!

Cucumbers- Aside from its phallic shape, the scent of cucumbers is believed to stimulate women. First of all, if I have a cucumber on hand, why would I even need a man??

Licorice- In ancient China, people used licorice to enhance love and lust. Mmmm, nothing turns me on more than a man that brings me twizzlers!

And last but not least: Chocolate. Researchers have studied chocolate and found it to contain phenylethylamine and serotonin, which are both "feel good" chemicals. So dudes, listen up: the next time your date wants a bite of the chocolate cake you ordered for dessert, even though she said she didn't want anything, let her have it. In fact, let me have the whole damn thing. I mean HER. Let HER have the whole damn thing.

An open letter to the guy who is dancing at the bar by himself before the DJ gets there

Hey Guy,

You know who you are. You're the guy dancing at the bar or at the club by yourself. Dude, the DJ isn't even here yet. Can't you wait? No, I guess you can't. You're right. You need to show off those awesome dance moves. Where did you learn to Superman that ho? Have you been watching Randy Jackson's Finding America's next Top Dance Crew on MTV with celebrity host Mario Lopez? It shows. Trust us, it shows.
Don't let the other people at the bar bother you. Sure, they're not dancing. They are enjoying a drink with friends and waiting for more people to get there, but that doesn't mean you can't shake that ass while they wait. And they may be staring but it's only because they think those moves are so hot. And that popped collar and backwards baseball hat really turns on the ladies. Trust us. Eric Nies has taught you well, my friend. You've created your own personal "The Grind" right here at the bar. You just wait the ladies will come a callin'.
And we're so glad you found such a hot dance partner. Drunk chicks know all the right moves. Dropping it like it's hot... shaking their butt... and so on. Good job, guy! You found the one chick at the bar who is already wasted beyond recognition. And I wouldn't be surprised if Chris Brown's manager is here tonight and wants you two to choreograph and star in his next video! But in the mean time, get off the dance floor you look like an idiot.

Always and Forever,

Barb and Meg

PS. Does it say something about us that we got there before the DJ? I think it means we have a drinking problem for which our liver hates us.

Oh yeah- and sorry we mocked you only to later realize you were a friend of a friend once we saw you up close.

Don't call it a comeback...

Tell me if this sounds familiar, 15 minutes after someone tells you to “eff off” or take a long walk off a short pier you think of the perfect response? Do you wake up in a cold sweat with a million witty comebacks to that douchebag from the office who pointed out to everyone that you took two pieces of Ellen's birthday cake while everyone else had one? You are not alone my friend. It happens to the best of us (well not me or Barb, but most other people). We thought we would take this Friday to help you with comebacks. It is the weekend and if we know our friends someone is about to get called out by some drunken idiot somewhere in San Francisco and god forbid one not be prepared to say "I know you are but what am I"

They say “You are such a tool”
You say “Oh can I be an axe, or no! A chain saw” then blink a lot until they get scared and walk away

They say “Hey buddy, can you do me a favor?”
You say “As long as it doesn't involve my kidney”

They say “I think we should start seeing other people”
You say “Oh, we weren’t already supposed to do that? My bad.”

They say “Can I get your phone number”
You say “No.”

They say “Do I know you from somewhere?"
You say "Oh is John your parole officer too?"

They (Kelsey) say "Should you need assistance in the writing of a "How to be ridiculously good loooking" blog, then I am your girl"
You say "Why would I need help with that, I have a mirror."


So when you are out there this weekend and you shoot back that perfect comeback, remeber who to thank. You need not give us credit right there on the spot, but the next time you see us out and about, maybe buy us a drink or something. After all, without us you would just be some lame glue instead of the clever rubber that we have turned you into . And I think that earns us at least a beer.

10 Things to do at work instead of working

10.) Drink large amounts of water so you have to use the restroom every 10 minutes

9.) Only respond in movie quotes.
example:
Boss: "Johnson, did you get those reports done?"
You: "Shut up. You had me at 'Hello.' "

8.) Google yourself/co-worker/friend/crush/internet stalker

7.) Take and send/recieve n00dz*

6.) See how loudly you can talk on a personal phone call before your co-workers tell you to shut up.

5.) Run around the office as if super busy and talk to yourself under your breath about how busy you are so no one will ask you to do anything.

4.) Crawl under your desk for a quick power nap!

3.) Pretend to have a coughing attack and walk outside. Don't come back.

2.) Ask the front desk person if they have seen a package for you, ask every 10 mins. When they say no, look pissed and say: "Someone's ass is gonna get kicked."

1.) IM convo with friend about what todays blog should be about.




* n00dz: Naked or otherwise exceptionally racey pictures of a "real life" person. Usually not of professional quality, and often in a dirty mirror. Not any naked picture counts as "n00dz", only those from people whom you have exchanged words with via an instant messaging program, real life, or an internet forum. In order to qualify as "n00dz", they must be amateurly taken.

Hail to the Chiefette

Congrats Hillary! She won California last night (along with some other states, but who cares) which means she has a real shot at becoming the first woman President in US history! We thought we would use today's blog to take a serious in-depth look at what it might be like to have a woman for President. Oh yes, the times they are a changin', my friends. And it makes us wanna squeal!! Eeeeee !!

First off, there would have to be some new cabinet positions created. We all remember the scrutiny Hill was under for her hair and outfit choices when she was just the first lady. She would need to appoint a full time personal stylist and hair guru. For her hair, she should consider appointing Jessica Simpson's hair stylist/BFF Ken Paves. Get rid of that all too serious short haircut. Come on, Hill. Jump into the thousands! Ken could give her some great flowing extensions. Also don’t all Americans see the first woman prez as a fiery redhead? It commands respect AND it's super sexy.

Now we all know that a woman Prez can't possibly be taken seriously by other world leaders (even though almost every other developed country has already had female leaders). Women are emotional, unstable, people pleasers. To combat this image that everyone already has about Hill, she will probably want to make a "preemptive strike." Invade an unsuspecting country. That will show them who's boss, right? What about Canada? It's right there. We wouldn't have to travel very far to invade them, and suspicion is they wouldn't put up much of a fight. If you aren’t into bombing what about a ‘faux war’. The word faux isn’t just for hair anymore. We can get a whole bunch of extras, throw them on a sound stage and start a “war”. It’s a win/win. Hil looks strong and no casualties.

OK, cool. Clothes and hair, check. War or “faux war”, check. That’s all one needs to run a country, right?

Awesome.

Reeling from the Upset.

First of all I would like to thank Megan for keeping the blog alive while I was dying.

But on to more important things! As you all know, yesterday was arguably the biggest sports day of the year. People all around the country huddled around big screen TVs to root for their favorites (or at least root for the failure of the other team). Money was lost and won, friends turned against friends, and advertisers shelled out more money per 30 second spot than most of us will see in a lifetime. Is it really worth all this hype? Did the game live up to all (or any) of your expectations? Megan and I are here to use our sports, marketing, and cultural expertise to analyze this oh-so-important event.

I'm talking of course about Puppy Bowl 2008.
For the first time this year Puppy Bowl was viewed in High Definition which was a treat! You could see every drool and it was spectacular.

First round draft pick from last year, Kira made her Puppy Bowl debut. It is easy to see why she was a first round draft pick, she knows the field and she is a joy to watch. It was a disappointing performance however from Rascal. I really did except better from him. His girlfriend was in the audience this year and most people are speculating it caused him to falter when the team needed him the most. As always the Bissle Kitty Half Time performance was a can’t miss! And trust me I didn’t. The amount of glitter used was unheard of and yet completely tasteful.

To no ones surprise Jackson went away with the MVP (most valuable puppy) trophy and bragging rights. And just between us I did see Jackson and Kira leave the stadium together however both reps couldn’t be reached for comment.

Movie Reviews & You

Groundhogs Day is only 12ish hours away so we thought it would be nice of us to review one the best movies on the subject. Many, many movies have taught us about this glorious day but only one has been able to stand the test of time.

Ladies and Gents, a movie review. Groundhog Day (1993).

(1:56:10 PM) Megan: Oh the movie Groundhog day, right?
(1:57:13 PM) Megan: I thought it was good without being too good but good enough to not be bad
(1:57:21 PM) Barb: yeah
(1:57:38 PM) Barb: but not all like "oh I'm such a good movie." that's kinda lame.
(1:57:47 PM) Barb: Be good, but don't get all in my face about it
(1:58:04 PM) Megan: Tote.