Raise your glass to one horribly misguided person

It's amazing what you can find on Craigslist! We stumbled across this posting for help with a "Father of the Bride Speech." And seeing as how we are semi-ametuers at this writing thing, we decided to give it a shot!

Original post:
Wedding speech for Father of the Bride (Oakland)
I am looking for assistance in writing my "Father of the Bride" speech for my daughter's wedding at the end of June. I'd like to incorporate some comedy; ideally built around wine descriptors (e.g., light-bodied with long legs; a tart nose; may be opened immediately but may improve with further laying down)... I expect this can be done via email / internet.

Send me questions or thoughts, your qualifications and / or price... Thanks

Dear Guy,
I hope you can use this speech/toast. Seeing as how this is the most important day in your daughter's life and she has probably been planning and looking forward to it since she was a little girl, it is totally understandable that you would solicit a complete stranger to write your toast. I have never met your daughter, or the groom, or you for that matter, but nonetheless I am glad you have entrusted me to write what is possibly the most intimate and personal gesture that a father could ever make to his daughter. Oh and feel free to "jazz" it up. These speeches have a tendency to be a bit sappy and sentimental, and obviously that isn't what you are going for. So add a curse word or two. That way it will seem even MORE impersonal and thoughtless! Enjoy!

Sincerely,

Barbara Goermar

My Qualifications: I go on craigslist. Isn't that enough?

My Price: My price is negotiable. Your price is your dignity, the respect of your family, and that respect of your new son-in-law. Your daughter will most likely make you "pay" for this toast for the rest of your life.

Ahem! I would like to propose a toast to my wonderful daughter, (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and her adoring husband, (INSERT MALE NAME HERE). Now I don't wanna say that my daughter is "easy" but she is cheaper than a bottle of Charles Shaw wine! But seriously, folks (saying but seriously, folks let's people know that that was the "comedy" part). I am glad to be welcoming (INSERT MALE NAME HERE) into our humble family (you can replace humble with a more appropriate adjective if it applies. "Ridiculous" "horrible" or "creepy" may be a bit more accurate). You two go together like a chardonnay and a soft cheese. Speaking of "soft cheese" have you seen my daughter in a bikini?? But seriously folks! Raise your glass and let's toast to (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and (INSERT MALE NAME HERE)! Her mother (INSERT OTHER FEMALE NAME HERE) and I couldn't be happier to be marrying off our hideous slut of a daughter! Cheers!!

Megan’s Toast:
May I have your attention! (tap wine glass with fork or knife to get everyones attention). Thank you. Some of you might not know who I am as you are a friend of the groom, I am the one paying for the food you are eating and the wine we are about to toast with, I am (ENTER BRIDE'S NAME)'s father and I am so glad to be able to celebrate this happy occasion with about 50% strangers who somehow know my son-in-law. This is the part of the evening where I say something to my daughter as she embarks on the journey of wedded bliss or what I like to call hell… (crickets)… I mean right!? (look around confused that no one found that funny, talk into the mic asked “is this thing on” and laugh to yourself. Look at your daughter crying, your wife shaking her head and your son-in-law checking out the maid of honor. Raise your glass) To the happy couple! (daughter runs out of the wedding, files for divorce one month later).

90210: The New Class

The new 90210 is set and cast (for the most part) and the CW is already showing clips to get everyone excited (complete with the same 90210 theme song) is it worth the time to watch this new show of teens who are in real life 25?

Megan's Point : Have you seen previews? Well there is a brother and sister… but one is adopted and black and was “at risk”, aka Ryan Atwood. And they moved from Kansas… kind of like Minnesota. The mom, “Aunt Becky”, is a WAY hotter Mrs. Walsh so she looks more like a Kirsetn “Kiki” Cohan ala The OC. The spoiled girl or Kelly Taylor meets Summer Roberts, looks like she will sleep with her teacher… speaking of enter hot young high school teacher. We all know what hot young teacher will lead to or also known as my favorite “Dawsons Creek” story line where a precocious Pacey does the dirty with his sophomore English teacher. Then we have “Silver”, yes her name is Silver… (Any relation to David Silver??) but she is the hippie in the crew, I mean she is wearing a string around her forehead which is almost like wearing a homemade daisy crown… she also probably has a hemp backback, recycles and protests when someone gets caught drinking at prom and then told they will not graduate high school because it said in the “prom handbook” that if caught with booze they will not get to walk… I can already hear “Donna Martin Graduates!”. So pretty much what I am saying is that I can’t be more excited. They are using a formula that works and mixing 90210 with The OC meets Dawson’s Creek and the world will be a better place because this show exists. Now if only someone can get a job at The Peach Pit and hire Joe E. Tata to play Nat, everyone’s favorite waiter, we are set!

Barb's counterpoint: The new 90210, along with all other over-rated teenage melodramas will be a complete waste of time and will probably die a terrible death- much like the horrible car crash that killed Marissa (is that her name?). There are much better ways to spend one's tv time. For instance, while everyone else was watching the beautiful youngsters of West Beverly fall in and out of love, develop and recover from substance abuse, and sometimes even deal with their dad exploding in a car (that happened, right?) I was learning all the words to the newest Homey The Clown sketch. Then I got a little older and all the other kids started obsessing over the Dawson-Joey-Pacey-will-they-won't-they love triangle. I was obsessing over the Soup Nazi and the Close Talker. And finally, when all my friends started to wear mini skirts with ugg boots in an attempt to emulate the perfectly styled "effortless" laid back Southern Cali fashion of The OC (don't call it that*) I was starting to emulate the crippling neurosis of Larry David and his cohorts. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: I didn't care then, and I think I care even less now if that's possible. Does that make me some sort of traitor to my generation? Probably.

*if anyone gets this reference you win50,000 awesome points and a big kiss from me.

Megan's countercounterpoint : Are you saying you are too good for pointless teenage melodramas? Because while I was watching “Donna Martin Graduate” I was also discussing Fire Marshall Bill. While Pacey was sleeping with his teacher I was watching Jerry make his TV debut in a puffy shirt and while Seth and Summer were trying to find out if they loved each other I was… OK, so I never watched “Curb Your Enthusiasm” but I didn’t have HBO in college. The point is its pointless drivel that makes me feel like I don’t have it so bad since I have never experienced some chick copying my looks and then trying to kill me.

Barb's countercountercounterpoint: No, Meg. What I am saying is I don't care! Why are we supposed to care about the antics of another group of spoiled rich kids? Maybe if these shows were on HBO and showed full on sex and hardcore drug use like you would see at any real Beverly Hills High School, then I would watch. Until then, I'll stick with the classics on dvd, like my Strangers With Candy Collection.

Megan’s countercountercountercounterpoint: Make it DVD’s of ‘The State’ and I am in!

Barb's countercountercountercountercounterpoint: You got a deal. Omg, we are so much alike.

Drumroll Please...

Ladies and Gentlemen, we present to you the TOP 5 TOP 10 LISTS on the web! Yeah, that's right. And if you're a little confused- don't worry, we all are. Meg and I have spent countless hours compiling this list. We lost our jobs, our families, and our self respect searching through every single Top 10 List on the internets to bring you the 5 absolute BEST. And you may not realize this, but there is a lot of stuff out there on the internets. We almost went insane tediously sifting through the pop-ups, pornography, and pop-up pornography that make up this world of wide webs. Seriously, no one should have to look at that much porn. But it has all been worth it to bring this list to you!

5. These folks seem like they know how to have a good time http://www.evilbible.com/Top_Ten_List.htm and let’s be honest... their graphics, is that a bloody cross?? We enjoy the fact that each point starts with “You” as if the bible is a person and wrote it’s self. Priceless.

4. No matter how many times you receive an email with stuff made from LEGO’s you will be impressed. Come one! They are LEGO’s!! http://www.techeblog.com/index.php/tech-gadget/top-10-strangest-lego-creations. Check out the Volvo, that just might be the most impressive… wonder if the seats are comfy?

3. Here is something we can all appreciate: Top 10 Free Time Wasting Sites on the Net http://freebies.about.com/od/710/tp/timewasting.htm As you have probably figured out, we are experts in the art of wasting valuable work time on the Internet. And yes, it really is an "art." You have to be able to waste your time without being caught. It's not as easy as it sounds.

2. Top 10 Female Streakers http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2005/09/top_ten_female.html I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. Enjoy! (NSFW)

1. Last but defiantly not least is the master of the Top 10 List… Mr. David Letterman. http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/. This is an archive of every Top 10 list that some poor intern probably had as his/her summer project so lets take some time to read them… like this one from 1995 http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/index/php/19950622.phtml

IM's and Email

Sorry for the lack of blogging some of us (Barb) have not had IM abilities and then some of us (Megan) seem to not be getting emails from one Barbara Goermar. Hopefully now that that someone (Barb) is defying office policy and being on IM we should have some fun blogs in the future. Again... our bad, we will try not to be so lame in the future. Please enjoy our conversation this morning. Things seem to be back to normal.

(8:31:35 AM) Barb: MEG!
(8:31:41 AM) Megan: OMG
(8:31:45 AM) Megan: barb!
(8:31:50 AM) Megan: Where have you been???
(8:31:50 AM) Barb: where have you been??!
(8:31:53 AM) Barb: hahah
(8:31:54 AM) Barb: omg
(8:31:54 AM) Megan: ME!
(8:31:56 AM) Megan: You!
(8:31:58 AM) Barb: great minds, huh??

Prom...

So we are a little late on the whole "Prom Dress" thing from Monday but over here at headquarters we have been having email issues. Lame.

If you can recall all the way back to Monday a girl from a high school in Texas was kicked out of the prom for wearing what looked to be a single piece of fabric. She looks fit right? It's not like she is hanging out of anywhere... what's the problem! Since we all heart the Google we decided to find other high school prom gems! Enjoy!



Don't know about you but when we think of prom we think political statement and when we think political statement we think... confederate flag?? Do you think there is a reason she is standing alone at prom?



Date? Check! Umbrella? Check! Losing virginity... questionable. It gets better, that my friends is duct tape.

Raise your hand if you think this dress is on backwards! Also raise your hand if you think she is asking for that drunk kid, class clown "Steve Sanders" type to pull down her dress! Ahh high school... those were the days!!! And our personal favorite for more then just the fact that no one moved the green folding chair from the obvious photo op...

How did you look in the mirror and think you looked OK? Do none of those people have mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, neighbors, random strangers around them to inform them no one is going to want to buy the ice cream truck if you are giving out the Popsicles for free??

Golden Girls

Excitement is drenching the Cool Sauce headquarters like a spicy barbecue- or maybe even a creamy ranch- covering Barb & Meg like 2 delicious golden brown chicken strips. They are about to publish their 50th blog post!! It’s a big deal people, so big in fact that Megan and Barb are doing a press junket (that is a fancy, made up “Hollywood” word for interviews) to commemorate this joyous occasion! Barb and Megan sat down to interview Megan and Barb and well let’s just say things got a little crazy… these two gals sure know how to interview each other! Ladies and Gents, enjoy!

Megan: Hello, Barb. Welcome.
Barb: Thank you. And hello to you too, welcome.
M: Thank you! It’s great to have you here.
B: And you as well. Enough with the pleasantries, lets get to the real dish!
M: I couldn’t agree more!! First things first. Who are you wearing?
B: I'm wearing John Mayer. Oh-- you mean my clothes?
M: WOW. OK, so you want to play that way… well I am wearing Conor Oberst…
B: Not cool, Megan. You know Conor and I have a serious thing going on. Not like you and J.May. In fact, I heard he was spotted on a beach somewhere wearing Jennifer Aniston!!!
M: One word: PhotoShop! So what was your favorite post?
B: oh gosh, that's a toughie... wow, you get right to the hardball questions, don't you? Jeez, what a ball breaker.
Come on, Meg. Let's get to the real stuff. The juice. The dirt. The gossip. I'm sure our readers (or reader) don't wanna hear about this stuff. Let's give them what they want. Let's talk about our "feud." Remember when we were frienemies? Wow, those were good times!
M: Oh you mean that time you told the world about that VHS tape I made with my ex boyfriend?? We were so young then! Babies even. We were what like 12 or 13… gosh that was almost a lifetime ago. Where is that tape??
B: Oh it's in a safe place, don't worry. And by "in a safe place" I mean currently making the rounds across the blogoshphere. Oh btw, Perez wanted me to tell you he is really impressed by that one thing you did. You know, from the cieling? He wants you to teach him.
M: Girl that is a secret I am taking to the grave!! A John Mayer roadie taught me that so you know its good.
B: Oh yeah, roadies. Gooood times. Lord knows they've taught me a thing or two or three. So let's move on from the unpleasantness of our little dispute. Even though everyone knows it totally wasn't my fault at all- if you didn't want your sex tape leaked then you should have put it in a more secure place than in a locked box inside of a safe deposit box at a bank in Switzerland. come on, you were practically begging me to put it on the internet.
M: Well when in Rome. So Barb, how does it feel to be on the verge of your 50th post?
B: I can only think of one word to describe the momentous milestone in blogdom: anti-climactic. Wait, does that count as one word or two? If it counts as two, then I can only think of two words to describe this momentous milestone in blogdom.
What about you, Meg? How do you feel about this feat?
M: I think if the word is hyphened its one word. The word I would use to described this feeling is fetch. It really encapsulates everything I feel.
B: Megan, you are so fetch. Love you. Love us.
M: You are sooooo sweet! We should probably wrap this up, even I am bored. Last thoughts on the big 5-0?
B: Yes. Stay in school.
M: Great message for the young readers. Thanks for your candor Barb. And thanks for blogging with me, there is no one else I would rather… well you are one of the people that I would choose to blog with.

Notorious

If you were in high school during the better part of the 80’s you were in love with Duran Duran. If you graduated high school in 2001 you thought Duran Duran was old people music. If you knew someone who could get $6 tickets to Duran Duran at the Concord Pavilion last Friday night, you threw caution to the wind and said “Lets do it!” So that's what we did. We put on our best 80s duds (well, some of us did), bought a few $9 beers (totally worth it) and danced the night away.

The first great "happening" of the night was on the walk up to the Concord Pavilion. A man walked past us dressed in leather shorts and a leather vest. He was wearing some sort of huge platform knee high boot. Let us reiterate that he was alone. A man walking into Duran Duran in an outfit taken from some S&M catalogue was alone. We looked at each other and knew it would be a magical night.

The stage was set. It would be the first great comeback of 2008. But there was something a little "odd" about the crowd that night. We decided that the breakdown went something like this:

40% gay

40% reliving their "glory days"
20% what the fuck??

We fit nicely into the 20% category .

We walked in while they were playing Hungry Like The Wolf which was a major bummer since it was one of only 4 Duran Duran songs any of us could name. But we were there to dance and party (and take pics) and that's what we did!

After our purchase of some $9 Bud Lights and a $5 water for Marina (thanks for driving) we hit section 207 with reckless abandon. And what do they do? They play a song off their new album. Do they even have a new album?? Hey D2, we don’t even know your old hits let alone your new one but wait, what is this… our new favorite song of 2008: Skin Diving by our new favorite Old Man Band, Duran Duran. As Simon LeBon put it "This is a song about coming up for air." You can see why they're our new favorite old band.

By the end of the show we decided that Simon has "still got it!" Although we aren't too sure exactly what "it" is or if/when he ever really had it. But trust us, he has still got it! A girl even bum rushed the stage!! True story. It was like a preview of Megan and Barb at the upcoming New Kids On The Block reunion tour. Oh yeah, believe it: someone will be arrested at that show.

We're not sure if Duran Duran will be having any sort of huge comeback in 08. But one thing is for sure: they gained 5 new fans on Friday night. Now we can all name at least 6 Duran Duran songs!! And Megan will soon be recording her acoustic version of Ordinary World (yeah we didn't know they sang that, either). Next time Duran Duran come to town we will for sure be front row center. That is, if the tickets are $6 or less.

This "review" brought to you by your favorite bloggers (not the weird guy behind them):

P.S. When you tell Erin "wear something 80s" she takes it really seriously.

Reality Bites

Warning: What you are about to read is a completely uncalled for rant by Barbara Goermar. If you have an aversion to cynicism please do not read. I suggest checking out People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People List.

To call the new season of Mtv's The Real World "reality television" would really be a misnomer. I think a more accurate description of this mess would be "crime against humanity." In international law a crime against humanity is an act of persecution or any large scale atrocities against a body of people, and is the highest level of criminal offense (Wikipedia.org). Yep, that sounds about right.

I have only been subject to about 10 minutes of this show, but that's all it took to make it painfully (and I do mean painfully) obvious that Mtv has not only jumped the shark but they have launched a full scale attack on viewers with this, their 20th season of the show.

Get to work: The "job" that Mtv has decided to give the cast this year is to become an improv troop at a local comedy club. Please tell me they're joking. Nope! Now for those of you that don't know please listen carefully: improv is hard. I know it doesn't seem like it when you watch professionals do it. But they are professionals! They practice for years honing their skills and timing. To watch amateurs perform improv, and even worse- amateurs who have no experience in comedy at all, can only be described in one word: torture. Mtv has decided (for some unknown reason) to torture viewers by subjecting them to watching these 7 people attempt to act and be funny. Why don't they save some time and just shoot us in the face? The only way this might be anything other than absolutely unbearable is if they go onstage and completely bomb, thus inciting the crowd into a frenzied riot that leaves all or most of the cast members dead or at the very least maimed.

Meet the roomies: They range in age from 20 to 25 and in mental capacity from slow to dimwitted. The cast includes 2 aspiring actors, 2 aspiring reporters, an aspiring music producer, an aspiring singer (this one was even in the top 44 on season 5 of American Idol), and 3 - count 'em 3! - models. Ugh, that was exhausting. And for those of you paying attention, you may have noticed that is a total of nine cast members. Anyone between the ages of 20 and 35 knows that the Real World is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, blah blah blah. So this means that something happens in the course of the season that causes two cast members to leave and be replaced. I wish that was as exciting as it is supposed to be.

Remember when Mtv used to pick smart people?? Remember Pam from San Francisco? She was a freakin' doctor! And she remained a doctor on the show! What a great message to viewers. Not only did they have a doctor in the cast, but it was a woman! And she was Asian! Remember Irene from L.A.? She was a cop. She was actually serving and protecting people! Not aspiring, either. She was an actual cop. Pedro Zamora, also from San Francisco, was an AIDS activist and educator. Kevin from New York was a journalist, poet, and activist. Mtv seemed to be telling young people that we can do whatever we set our minds to and that there is more to life than looking pretty and partying. But that's not what sells, I guess. So the basic message Mtv has decided to deliver nowadays is: there is nothing more to life than looking pretty and partying. That and hot-tubbing. Hot-tubbing is a really important part of being young, apparently.

Say it ain't so, America: Now as much as I would like to blame Mtv as the root of all that's evil, I just can't do it. Not this time, at least. Because one of the cast members was actually selected by the viewers!!! Greg Halstead refers to the people around him as "peasants," and to women as "associates." His internet screen name in the viewer poll was "PretyBoy," and he says that viewers picked him because he is "very attractive." And the viewers picked him?? Holy shit. I think I just lost all faith in humanity. Yep- it just happened, right that very second. I can only hope that the "viewers" that chose this waste of oxygen to be on the show consisted solely of 12 year old girls and 50 year old gay men. Yeah, that's what I'm going to tell myself. My faith in humanity is restored... for now.

So in closing all I can do is implore you to please write your congressman! Let them know what is going on here. Mtv must be stopped. And in the meantime stay as far away from this show as you possibly can. I watched it for 10 minutes and I'm pretty sure I became clinically braindead for at least the last 4.

The Beautiful People....

There are few things that make you feel as un-beautiful as when you're looking at People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People issue. Thank you People Magazine! Without you, I don't think any of us would understand what true beauty is. Luckily you are here to remind us that if we all had personal chefs, full time trainers, plastic surgeons, make up artists, and air-brushing, we could be just as beautiful as everyone on your list!

Kate Hudson: She made the cover this year. Ok, so she is blonde. So she had a kid and lost the weight. So her mom was a style icon in the 60s. So she is "hippy-ish" or something. But anyone who made the movies You, Me, and Dupree and Fool's Gold doesn't deserve to be on any list. Ever.

Amanda Beard: She is an Olympic swimmer who is quoted as saying: "I always wear makeup in the water. All the makeup I own is waterproof. Even my concealer. " Hmmm, do you think she wears makeup in the shower, too? Maybe she is hiding some hideous facial deformity. Let's hope.

The Cast of Gossip Girl: I guess being young, thin, and slightly gay-looking makes you beautiful.

Jessica Alba: Snore. Sorry, I fell asleep somewhere between Jessica and Alba.

Brad Pitt: Ok, I fell asleep at Jessica Alba, and Brad Pitt definitely isn't waking me up.... zzzzzzzz.......

Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens: Note to teenager girls: take sexy and/or nude pics of yourself and you will not only gain popularity, but you will also be considered beautiful!

Cast of The Hills: I thought you had to do something of some sort of significance to be on this list. I guess not! Now we all have a shot at making the list next year!! Woooo!

Rumer Willis: Uhhh.... really? Can we have a new rule for the 100 Most Beautiful List? No celebutaunts, please. I’m sure she is pretty on the inside, as in a good person but on “The List”… not sure about that.

Much Props: Sarah Silverman and Tina Fey. We totally agree with this. They are real women, they are funny, they f*&k Matt Damon… pretty much these two are Megan and Barbara in 10 years. Well that's the dream, anyway.