Original post:
Wedding speech for Father of the Bride (Oakland)
I am looking for assistance in writing my "Father of the Bride" speech for my daughter's wedding at the end of June. I'd like to incorporate some comedy; ideally built around wine descriptors (e.g., light-bodied with long legs; a tart nose; may be opened immediately but may improve with further laying down)... I expect this can be done via email / internet.
Wedding speech for Father of the Bride (Oakland)
I am looking for assistance in writing my "Father of the Bride" speech for my daughter's wedding at the end of June. I'd like to incorporate some comedy; ideally built around wine descriptors (e.g., light-bodied with long legs; a tart nose; may be opened immediately but may improve with further laying down)... I expect this can be done via email / internet.
Send me questions or thoughts, your qualifications and / or price... Thanks
Dear Guy,
I hope you can use this speech/toast. Seeing as how this is the most important day in your daughter's life and she has probably been planning and looking forward to it since she was a little girl, it is totally understandable that you would solicit a complete stranger to write your toast. I have never met your daughter, or the groom, or you for that matter, but nonetheless I am glad you have entrusted me to write what is possibly the most intimate and personal gesture that a father could ever make to his daughter. Oh and feel free to "jazz" it up. These speeches have a tendency to be a bit sappy and sentimental, and obviously that isn't what you are going for. So add a curse word or two. That way it will seem even MORE impersonal and thoughtless! Enjoy!
I hope you can use this speech/toast. Seeing as how this is the most important day in your daughter's life and she has probably been planning and looking forward to it since she was a little girl, it is totally understandable that you would solicit a complete stranger to write your toast. I have never met your daughter, or the groom, or you for that matter, but nonetheless I am glad you have entrusted me to write what is possibly the most intimate and personal gesture that a father could ever make to his daughter. Oh and feel free to "jazz" it up. These speeches have a tendency to be a bit sappy and sentimental, and obviously that isn't what you are going for. So add a curse word or two. That way it will seem even MORE impersonal and thoughtless! Enjoy!
Sincerely,
Barbara Goermar
My Qualifications: I go on craigslist. Isn't that enough?
My Qualifications: I go on craigslist. Isn't that enough?
My Price: My price is negotiable. Your price is your dignity, the respect of your family, and that respect of your new son-in-law. Your daughter will most likely make you "pay" for this toast for the rest of your life.
Ahem! I would like to propose a toast to my wonderful daughter, (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and her adoring husband, (INSERT MALE NAME HERE). Now I don't wanna say that my daughter is "easy" but she is
cheaper than a bottle of Charles Shaw wine! But seriously, folks (saying but seriously, folks let's people know that that was the "comedy" part). I am glad to be welcoming (INSERT MALE NAME HERE) into our humble family (you can replace humble with a more appropriate adjective if it applies. "Ridiculous" "horrible" or "creepy" may be a bit more accurate). You two go together like a chardonnay and a soft cheese. Speaking of "soft cheese" have you seen my daughter in a bikini?? But seriously folks! Raise your glass and let's toast to (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and (INSERT MALE NAME HERE)! Her mother (INSERT OTHER FEMALE NAME HERE) and I couldn't be happier to be marrying off our hideous slut of a daughter! Cheers!!
Ahem! I would like to propose a toast to my wonderful daughter, (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and her adoring husband, (INSERT MALE NAME HERE). Now I don't wanna say that my daughter is "easy" but she is
cheaper than a bottle of Charles Shaw wine! But seriously, folks (saying but seriously, folks let's people know that that was the "comedy" part). I am glad to be welcoming (INSERT MALE NAME HERE) into our humble family (you can replace humble with a more appropriate adjective if it applies. "Ridiculous" "horrible" or "creepy" may be a bit more accurate). You two go together like a chardonnay and a soft cheese. Speaking of "soft cheese" have you seen my daughter in a bikini?? But seriously folks! Raise your glass and let's toast to (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and (INSERT MALE NAME HERE)! Her mother (INSERT OTHER FEMALE NAME HERE) and I couldn't be happier to be marrying off our hideous slut of a daughter! Cheers!!Megan’s Toast:
May I have your attention! (tap wine glass with fork or knife to get everyones attention). Thank you. Some of you might not know who I am as you are a friend of the groom, I am the one paying for the food you are eating and the wine we are about to toast with, I am (ENTER BRIDE'S NAME)'s father and I am so glad to be able to celebrate this happy occasion
with about 50% strangers who somehow know my son-in-law. This is the part of the evening where I say something to my daughter as she embarks on the journey of wedded bliss or what I like to call hell… (crickets)… I mean right!? (look around confused that no one found that funny, talk into the mic asked “is this thing on” and laugh to yourself. Look at your daughter crying, your wife shaking her head and your son-in-law checking out the maid of honor. Raise your glass) To the happy couple! (daughter runs out of the wedding, files for divorce one month later).
May I have your attention! (tap wine glass with fork or knife to get everyones attention). Thank you. Some of you might not know who I am as you are a friend of the groom, I am the one paying for the food you are eating and the wine we are about to toast with, I am (ENTER BRIDE'S NAME)'s father and I am so glad to be able to celebrate this happy occasion
with about 50% strangers who somehow know my son-in-law. This is the part of the evening where I say something to my daughter as she embarks on the journey of wedded bliss or what I like to call hell… (crickets)… I mean right!? (look around confused that no one found that funny, talk into the mic asked “is this thing on” and laugh to yourself. Look at your daughter crying, your wife shaking her head and your son-in-law checking out the maid of honor. Raise your glass) To the happy couple! (daughter runs out of the wedding, files for divorce one month later).
3 comments:
Barbara's toast nails it, because she actually uses the word "creepy," and that's exactly what I thought when I read that he wanted to include things like "light-bodied with long legs" and "may be opened immediately." Ugh!
Bonus points to Megan for including the audience reactions, though. Heh.
He should ask Obama to write the speech.
maybe i should post something on craigslist for someone to write my personal statement for me for my grad school apps. i think i could get some good responses.
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