You say it's her birthday?

Happy Birthday to one half (some might say the prettier, smarter, and all-around more important half of the blog), MS. MEGAN ROMERO!!!!!

Megan, go out there and drink yourself into oblivion, eat until you feel like you might pass out, and dance until all of your friends are suffeciently embarrassed that they are with you. In other words, don't do anything different today than any other day.

I love you!!!

Get Your Free On

There are so many reasons to get out and vote.  The failing economy, California's budget crisis, the Prop 8 debate, the wars in Irag & Afghanistan.  We all want and need to see some major changes happen in our country.  And casting your vote is the only way to make sure those changes happen.  No matter the reason, one thing is certain: more Americans will be voting today than in any other election in my lifetime.

So what's the best reason to vote today?  You guessed it: FREE SHIZ!  I already got my free tall coffee from Starbucks just by saying "I voted!"  I would get a free dount from Krispy Kreme if the failing economy hadn't already made the only one in the area close down.  Later I will head down to Ben & Jerry's to get my free scoop!  

Mmmmmm.... democracy never tasted so sweet and creamy

Megan and Barbara would like to take this opportunity to thank these fine establishments for encouraging people to get out and vote today.  And also for displaying such capitalist greed that is precisely what lead to the downfall of our economy.

O Blogger, Where Art Thou?

Some of you may be wondering why we haven't blogged in a while. Well as most of you know, I ("I" being the Barbara half of the blog), have been unemployed for several months now. I know what you're thinking: "Why, Barbara. That should leave you ample time to update your blog. We should be seeing several posts a day!" Well, it's just not that simple folks. There are so many reasons NOT to blog these days. So we decided to let you in on just a few of the things keeping us away from the blogosphere lately.

The Election
Keeping up with this election is a full time job! With every news outlet in the country devoting almost 24 hours to covering this historic event, it's hard not to get addicted to it all. It's a classic story: a half African-American/half white man running against a 100 year old former P.O.W. and his ex-beauty queen running mate. Ok, so maybe it's not all that classic- but that's what makes this all so fascinating. And if you're like us, most of your day is spent searching youtube to see if there are any new hilarious Tina Fey sketches from SNL. Thank you, Tina, for giving us something to laugh at while our country stands at the brink of a complete economic and social breakdown. We salute you!

Barb's Nephew

I finally know what it's like to be a mom. Ok, not really. But I know what it's like to be a part-time nanny. Not one of those "Super Nannies" you see on tv. More like just someone who babysits for a few hours a day. I finally know what it's like to be a babysitter! And it's pretty fantastic. This little bundle of cuteness and joy keeps me occupied during the most crucial blogging hours of the day. Sooo... it's his fault!

Megan's Job
My (This is the Megan part of the blog) job has been sooooooooo busy (the amount of o's really shows you how busy) that I have only really had time for online shopping, updating my blog, reading SF Gate and asking the office why oh why there is so much damn free food in the kitchen. See! I have no time!

The Current Economic state of the US
Both of us spend at least half the day hiding under our bed and desk respectivily hoping that if we just sleep it off this whole crazy mess will be over once we wake up.

Someecards

With all the unrest, socio-political and otherwise, that's currently happening in the good ol' US of A, someecards.com is constantly coming up with new and hilarious ways to look at the demise of our country. We find that looking at this site is a great distraction from our daily worries- like not having a job for 4 months, etc....

Oh I check it...

Don't think I forgot about what we had Barb. It was awesome and something I have never experienced before. You were my first, you know blog partner and no one can take that away from us.

So what do you say? Should we start this old thing up again and see if she runs. There might be a few kinks to work out but it's like riding a bike, you never forget!

Oh and Barb, I have been to the doc and she says I am clean, which begs the question... who have you been blogging with?

Do people still look at this?

Hi Megan.... Do you remember me?  We used to uh, well- you know... "blog" together.  I know I haven't really been around in a while... but... wow, this is harder than I thought.... 

Ok, I'm just going to say it... I hope this isn't awkward... but.... well, I went to the doctor the other day...  and....well..  I think you should get checked out.

Feel free to call me if you... want to.  My number is in the book.

Highway To The Danger Zone

So last night I did something that has been long overdue.  I finally watched one of the great classics in the pantheon of American film.  Yes, that's right.  I'm talking about Top Gun.  All this time I thought it was a typical action movie about fighter pilots.  How wrong I was!  This is actually a thought provoking and touching film about gays in the military.  The film takes place in the 80s before that whole "don't ask, don't tell" thing.  At this time, gays were forbidden to be in the military.  So what choice did these folks have other than hiding their true feelings?  

Meet Maverick (played by the out-and-proud Scientologist, Tom Cruise).  It's completely obvious that Mav is in love with his "partner" Goose (played by the curiously cast Anthony Edwards- did anyone else notice he is the only one in the volleyball scene with his shirt ON?- good choice).  But Goose is stuck in a loveless sham marriage with Meg Ryan (who kind of looks like a boy, right?).  Mav and Goose have to suppress their love.  This makes Mav a horrible cockface with an obvious deathwish.  He would rather die than live without his Goose.

But it doesn't end there.  This is a classic love triangle.  Enter Iceman (Val Kilmer with some really pretty blonde high-lites).  Iceman has the hots for Maverick.  But since Mav is so obviously in love with Goose, Iceman's feelings turn to anger.  Don't forget, all this is happening while they are trying to hide their sexuality from everyone.  Closet cases are often very hostile.  Iceman is no exception.  He pursues Maverick to no avail.

I don't want to spoil it for you in case you haven't seen the film, but something happens to get Goose "out of the picture" as they say.  This puts Ice in the perfect posish to swoop in and catch Mav on the rebound.   In the end, Mav and Ice profess to be each

 other's Wingmen.  That's right, they are no longer in the closet.  They are finally able to accept who they are and say "We're here, we're queer, we're pilots!"

So don't deprive yourself of this wonderful film.  It is a very important look at what it means to be a gay man in the military.  And there is lots of sweet eye candy.  Nothing is hotter than a gay man in uniform.  Mmmm hhmmmmm.....

Come on over to my house...

Hey friends! Megan here, so Live Blogging is all the rage and like most followers and conformists such as myself I have attempted some Live Blogging.

Enjoy!

PS. Barb are you there? It's me, Megan!!

Finally!

L. Lohan's legging line is out! Thank goodness because so many woman have been wearing dress/shirts for a few months now waiting to cover up with really tight black pants that probably look good on someone who weights as much as a skeleton.

She has shiny leggings and zipper leggings and lets not forget knee pad leggings. Woman of America how many times have you been wearing leggings and wished your leggings came with knee pads? Round number, estimate... maybe somewhere in the ballpark of negitive 364 times. We thought so!

Cheers to you Lohan! Should shinny leggings be on our shopping list you can rest assured that after going to H&M, Nordstrom, Forever 21, Sears or the movie "Grease" your pants will be the next ones to considerer buying until realizing they are $99.

Barb is going solo!

So I still haven't found a job. Which is a really big shock for me. I thought with the state of the economy as it is that employers would basically be knocking down my door to get me to work for them! But alas, it hasn't quite happened like that. So I still have a ton of free time on my hands. And in between the nude sunbathing and daytime TV surfing, I have decided to do what any red-blooded American should do with his or her free time- start my own blog! At least I'm doing something productive with my time off, right???

And I will!

Who is Yankee Doodle?

Happy 4th of July my fellow Americans. Most people think of Independence Day as just an excuse to have hot dogs, light illegal fireworks and tear up to the song "Proud to be an America" (and don't tell me you don't, we all do. there is something in that damn song that I hear once a year that gives me goosebumps). It's much more than that folks.

July 4th marks the adaptation of our Declaration of Independence, we don't know if it was signed that day but it was sent to the printer and that is just as good right? Also it wasn't until 1941 federal employees got the day off as a paid holiday, it had been an unpaid holiday since 1870! Also John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died on the 50th Anniversary of the US on July 4, 1826, conscience? The story seems full of holes, Thomas Jefferson was in a great deal of dept when he passed and John Adams' last words were "Thomas Jefferson lives" since he was unaware of his passing, interesting. They were once rivals so one would obviously think Tupac vs. Biggie but they later became friends on their quest for independence.

So when you are playing with sparklers and over eating on watermelon remember that this day is celebrated because we as a nation are pretty kick ass. Now go hug your neighbor and please do read the wiki pages for John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, history is so interesting. Why don't I remember this at all in school?

Megan's Employment

Day 743 of the hostage situation.

While Barb is off enjoying her vacation from employment I am here at work not enjoying a vacation from employment.

On my non vacation I did come across this amazing picture of Hall and Oat’s on none other then everyone’s favorite and most frustrating toy, the Etch-A-Sketch. It made my employment seem more like a vacation even if just for a brief moment in time. Thank you Etch-A-Sketchist for your skills in Etch-A-Sketching.

Barb's Vacation from Employment

Day 8.
So one of the perks of being unemployed is being able to get trashed any night of the week and not worry about getting up early for work the next day! This is something I also did while I had a job, but now I feel a little less ridiculous doing it. So last night I went to Blake's on Telegraph. They were holding the afterparty for the True Colors show that was at the Greek Theatre yesterday. The tour is to raise money for PFLAG and features Cyndi Lauper, the B-52's, and some others. The afterparty was so much fun. We danced with Cyndi Lauper! And the B-52s! And Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! Oh yeah, and I grabbed his butt. A lot. Sorry?

Enjoy!

Barb's Vacation from Employment

Day 4.
I try to look at every day of my little vacation as a chance to learn something new! There is a great big extraordinary world out there that exists between the hours of 9:00am and 5:00pm. It's easy to forget that when we are holed up in our cubicles all day. But I have been released from the tyranny of those harsh florescent lights and my eyes are opening to a whole new world (a new fantastic point of view).

So I know you are wondering what valuable insight have I gained today that will help propel me into a new realm of understanding this crazy universe. Well today I learned that even if you are a tall, lanky man with pronounced features, you can easily pass as a woman if you put on a dress and a little lipstick, AS LONG AS YOUR WIG DOESN'T FALL OFF! This important lesson was brought to you by Danny Tanner and Joey Gladstone. It turns out they had to dress up as women to infiltrate a sorority... or something. I don't know, I was barely paying attention. Anyway it totally worked until Joey decided to get a limbo line going. Mistake #1: When you are a man trying to pass as a woman to retrieve a fraternity seal that was stolen from you 10 years ago, NEVER suggest any games that require bending over. You are practically begging for your wig to fall off. And then you're in big trouble mister, because the second your wig falls off, everyone will know you are really a man! I guess it's the same effect as the Superman/Clark Kent glasses on/glasses off thing. Who said daytime tv wasn't educational?

Oh crap, I gotta go! What I Like About You is on. I can't wait to see what lesson Amanda Bynes has in store for me today.

Barb's Vacation from Employment

Day 2.
And this is why I don't have a job....

Ok, so on day 2 of my vacay (yesterday) I had an interview!  YAY ME!  Right??  This could be it.  The perfect job.  The one that will save me from the hell of daytime tv.  So I woke up early and since my appointment wasn't until 3, I went to the gym to start the day off right!  Get that energy and confidence up!  I had a great workout and a leisurely lunch.  Then I returned home to shower and gussy myself up.

Although I was pretty sure of the general area where the interview was, I decided to look up the directions anyway, so I would be leaving nothing to chance.  After all, it was only 1:30 so I had plenty of time.  So I grabbed the piece of paper that I had written all the info down on.  Ummm.... TUESDAY 1:00?  Hmmmm.....  Perfect.

Dear Potential Employer,
I hope you will still consider me for this position which entails a ton of appointment keeping and attention to detail even though I wasn't able to keep my ONE appointment for the day straight.  I hope you will understand that my priorities were with going to the gym and eating a casual lunch and NOT with simply checking a piece of paper to make sure that I would be at your interview at the right time.

Love you!  Call me!

Hearts and hugs,
Bearb

Barb's Vacation from Employment

In case you haven't heard, I have decided to take a voluntary forced vacation from employment. That's right.  Although we aren't officially in a recession yet, I have joined the millions of Americans lining up at the unemployment office.  For your enjoyment I am going to chronicle my adventures over the next few days (or weeks... or, oh dear God, months) so you too can know what it's like to be out of work!  Wooo!

Day 1.

10:31 am Woke up.  Had mild panic attack thinking I was 3 hours late for work.  Panic subsided when I remembered I don't have a job anymore.  

10:32 am Had another (larger) panic attack when I remembered 

I don't have a job anymore.

11:00 am Watched daytime tv

11:30 am Contemplated suicide after realizing the Jerry Springer show is still alive and kicking.

12:00 pm Went back to bed.

2:00 pm Came online intending to job hunt.  Accidentally wrote this blog instead. Oops.

Becks' Bulge is coming to Macy's Union Sq...

Megan here!

That is right folks, you can see David Beckham today at Union Square in San Francisco!

OMG!

The blogosphere is abuzz. There will be pics and posts and details of every word he spoke and how the sun light hit his face to enhance his rugged jaw line to perfection.

Also I know a gal who works for Macy's Corporate and she has informed me that you too can meet the man, the myth the legend yourself if you buy $250 of Armani Underoo's....

Hold the phone! $250 on unmentionables??? You can get that for $233.50 cheaper at Target and throw in a pack of gum at check out. Who would buy that many tighty whiteys in order to get a glimpse at Becks?

ME! That is who. See you at Union Square where I will perfect my stalking and most likely get my first restraining order. It's a big day!

5 Summer Safety Tips!

As you know the official start of summer is just around the corner! And there is nothing better then a summer party to make you remember why winter sucks. As long as the beers are cold, the BBQ is hot, and the pool is luke you should be good to go. But in order to meet your ‘Fun in the Sun’ quota without causing any permanent injury to yourself or others, please listen to these safety tips and we will get you off on the right foot. And we do mean "get you off." Heh heh heh (creepy laugh).


#1.) Two words, boys and girls: Sun Screen!! If you are a Mexican like Megan (or in denial about your Irish heritage) an SPF 15 should do the trick, but remember to reapply after swimming or sweating. However, if you are white like Barb (or as some might say, translucent like Barb) you might need something a little stronger. Try an SPF 50 like Water Babies. Nothing says summer like a pink bottle with a picture of a baby's butt.

#2) Remember the BBQ Motto. No, not "BBQers Do It Outside." We're talking about the motto “Keep an eye on it!” It doesn't matter if you are cooking burgers, hot dogs, or lighting illegal fireworks on the 4th as long as you “keep an eye on it” you will be fine!

#3) Mayo should not be yellow. If it is, give it the toss. Or give it to your sworn enemy and tell them it's mustard. That will keep them off your back for a few days while they are puking up everything they've eaten since Christmas.

#4) Stay hydrated. Doctors recommend drinking at least 8 glasses of beer a day. And if you're gonna be out in the sun for an extended period of time, you might wanna double that. Or if you're like us, triple it.

#5) The last and most important summer safety tip: Don’t go on a three day bender in Vegas after you get back from a business trip in Europe. It will make you dizzy and tired.

Have fun and remember to think of Barb and Meg when you are soaking up those harmful ultraviolet rays and diving into a swimming pool after 5 margs and a shot of tequila! After all, what's summer without a little wreckless abandon??

Raise your glass to one horribly misguided person

It's amazing what you can find on Craigslist! We stumbled across this posting for help with a "Father of the Bride Speech." And seeing as how we are semi-ametuers at this writing thing, we decided to give it a shot!

Original post:
Wedding speech for Father of the Bride (Oakland)
I am looking for assistance in writing my "Father of the Bride" speech for my daughter's wedding at the end of June. I'd like to incorporate some comedy; ideally built around wine descriptors (e.g., light-bodied with long legs; a tart nose; may be opened immediately but may improve with further laying down)... I expect this can be done via email / internet.

Send me questions or thoughts, your qualifications and / or price... Thanks

Dear Guy,
I hope you can use this speech/toast. Seeing as how this is the most important day in your daughter's life and she has probably been planning and looking forward to it since she was a little girl, it is totally understandable that you would solicit a complete stranger to write your toast. I have never met your daughter, or the groom, or you for that matter, but nonetheless I am glad you have entrusted me to write what is possibly the most intimate and personal gesture that a father could ever make to his daughter. Oh and feel free to "jazz" it up. These speeches have a tendency to be a bit sappy and sentimental, and obviously that isn't what you are going for. So add a curse word or two. That way it will seem even MORE impersonal and thoughtless! Enjoy!

Sincerely,

Barbara Goermar

My Qualifications: I go on craigslist. Isn't that enough?

My Price: My price is negotiable. Your price is your dignity, the respect of your family, and that respect of your new son-in-law. Your daughter will most likely make you "pay" for this toast for the rest of your life.

Ahem! I would like to propose a toast to my wonderful daughter, (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and her adoring husband, (INSERT MALE NAME HERE). Now I don't wanna say that my daughter is "easy" but she is cheaper than a bottle of Charles Shaw wine! But seriously, folks (saying but seriously, folks let's people know that that was the "comedy" part). I am glad to be welcoming (INSERT MALE NAME HERE) into our humble family (you can replace humble with a more appropriate adjective if it applies. "Ridiculous" "horrible" or "creepy" may be a bit more accurate). You two go together like a chardonnay and a soft cheese. Speaking of "soft cheese" have you seen my daughter in a bikini?? But seriously folks! Raise your glass and let's toast to (INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE) and (INSERT MALE NAME HERE)! Her mother (INSERT OTHER FEMALE NAME HERE) and I couldn't be happier to be marrying off our hideous slut of a daughter! Cheers!!

Megan’s Toast:
May I have your attention! (tap wine glass with fork or knife to get everyones attention). Thank you. Some of you might not know who I am as you are a friend of the groom, I am the one paying for the food you are eating and the wine we are about to toast with, I am (ENTER BRIDE'S NAME)'s father and I am so glad to be able to celebrate this happy occasion with about 50% strangers who somehow know my son-in-law. This is the part of the evening where I say something to my daughter as she embarks on the journey of wedded bliss or what I like to call hell… (crickets)… I mean right!? (look around confused that no one found that funny, talk into the mic asked “is this thing on” and laugh to yourself. Look at your daughter crying, your wife shaking her head and your son-in-law checking out the maid of honor. Raise your glass) To the happy couple! (daughter runs out of the wedding, files for divorce one month later).

90210: The New Class

The new 90210 is set and cast (for the most part) and the CW is already showing clips to get everyone excited (complete with the same 90210 theme song) is it worth the time to watch this new show of teens who are in real life 25?

Megan's Point : Have you seen previews? Well there is a brother and sister… but one is adopted and black and was “at risk”, aka Ryan Atwood. And they moved from Kansas… kind of like Minnesota. The mom, “Aunt Becky”, is a WAY hotter Mrs. Walsh so she looks more like a Kirsetn “Kiki” Cohan ala The OC. The spoiled girl or Kelly Taylor meets Summer Roberts, looks like she will sleep with her teacher… speaking of enter hot young high school teacher. We all know what hot young teacher will lead to or also known as my favorite “Dawsons Creek” story line where a precocious Pacey does the dirty with his sophomore English teacher. Then we have “Silver”, yes her name is Silver… (Any relation to David Silver??) but she is the hippie in the crew, I mean she is wearing a string around her forehead which is almost like wearing a homemade daisy crown… she also probably has a hemp backback, recycles and protests when someone gets caught drinking at prom and then told they will not graduate high school because it said in the “prom handbook” that if caught with booze they will not get to walk… I can already hear “Donna Martin Graduates!”. So pretty much what I am saying is that I can’t be more excited. They are using a formula that works and mixing 90210 with The OC meets Dawson’s Creek and the world will be a better place because this show exists. Now if only someone can get a job at The Peach Pit and hire Joe E. Tata to play Nat, everyone’s favorite waiter, we are set!

Barb's counterpoint: The new 90210, along with all other over-rated teenage melodramas will be a complete waste of time and will probably die a terrible death- much like the horrible car crash that killed Marissa (is that her name?). There are much better ways to spend one's tv time. For instance, while everyone else was watching the beautiful youngsters of West Beverly fall in and out of love, develop and recover from substance abuse, and sometimes even deal with their dad exploding in a car (that happened, right?) I was learning all the words to the newest Homey The Clown sketch. Then I got a little older and all the other kids started obsessing over the Dawson-Joey-Pacey-will-they-won't-they love triangle. I was obsessing over the Soup Nazi and the Close Talker. And finally, when all my friends started to wear mini skirts with ugg boots in an attempt to emulate the perfectly styled "effortless" laid back Southern Cali fashion of The OC (don't call it that*) I was starting to emulate the crippling neurosis of Larry David and his cohorts. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: I didn't care then, and I think I care even less now if that's possible. Does that make me some sort of traitor to my generation? Probably.

*if anyone gets this reference you win50,000 awesome points and a big kiss from me.

Megan's countercounterpoint : Are you saying you are too good for pointless teenage melodramas? Because while I was watching “Donna Martin Graduate” I was also discussing Fire Marshall Bill. While Pacey was sleeping with his teacher I was watching Jerry make his TV debut in a puffy shirt and while Seth and Summer were trying to find out if they loved each other I was… OK, so I never watched “Curb Your Enthusiasm” but I didn’t have HBO in college. The point is its pointless drivel that makes me feel like I don’t have it so bad since I have never experienced some chick copying my looks and then trying to kill me.

Barb's countercountercounterpoint: No, Meg. What I am saying is I don't care! Why are we supposed to care about the antics of another group of spoiled rich kids? Maybe if these shows were on HBO and showed full on sex and hardcore drug use like you would see at any real Beverly Hills High School, then I would watch. Until then, I'll stick with the classics on dvd, like my Strangers With Candy Collection.

Megan’s countercountercountercounterpoint: Make it DVD’s of ‘The State’ and I am in!

Barb's countercountercountercountercounterpoint: You got a deal. Omg, we are so much alike.

Drumroll Please...

Ladies and Gentlemen, we present to you the TOP 5 TOP 10 LISTS on the web! Yeah, that's right. And if you're a little confused- don't worry, we all are. Meg and I have spent countless hours compiling this list. We lost our jobs, our families, and our self respect searching through every single Top 10 List on the internets to bring you the 5 absolute BEST. And you may not realize this, but there is a lot of stuff out there on the internets. We almost went insane tediously sifting through the pop-ups, pornography, and pop-up pornography that make up this world of wide webs. Seriously, no one should have to look at that much porn. But it has all been worth it to bring this list to you!

5. These folks seem like they know how to have a good time http://www.evilbible.com/Top_Ten_List.htm and let’s be honest... their graphics, is that a bloody cross?? We enjoy the fact that each point starts with “You” as if the bible is a person and wrote it’s self. Priceless.

4. No matter how many times you receive an email with stuff made from LEGO’s you will be impressed. Come one! They are LEGO’s!! http://www.techeblog.com/index.php/tech-gadget/top-10-strangest-lego-creations. Check out the Volvo, that just might be the most impressive… wonder if the seats are comfy?

3. Here is something we can all appreciate: Top 10 Free Time Wasting Sites on the Net http://freebies.about.com/od/710/tp/timewasting.htm As you have probably figured out, we are experts in the art of wasting valuable work time on the Internet. And yes, it really is an "art." You have to be able to waste your time without being caught. It's not as easy as it sounds.

2. Top 10 Female Streakers http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2005/09/top_ten_female.html I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. Enjoy! (NSFW)

1. Last but defiantly not least is the master of the Top 10 List… Mr. David Letterman. http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/. This is an archive of every Top 10 list that some poor intern probably had as his/her summer project so lets take some time to read them… like this one from 1995 http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/index/php/19950622.phtml